What Are You Trying to Control?

I’ve been thinking about control lately – of trying to control things, of wishing I could control things, and of the feeling I experience when I’m trying to control.

What control looks like for me:  I want a person to be different.  I want them to start doing xyz or stop doing xyz.  I want a situation to be different.  I want things to go the way I want them to.  I think that I should be able influence a situation to have a certain outcomes.  I want a guarantee. 

When I try to control something, it doesn’t feel good.  The feeling is hard to put into words.  Resistance.  Holding onto something . . . tightly.  Constriction and discomfort.  Hardness.  Shortness.  Sharp.  

Significant life transitions often mean doing something completely new.  Career changes, personal changes, and finding a path that allows you to your time and energy in ways that are meaningful to you – often means going into uncharted territory.  Doing something you’ve never done before.  Looking at your world in a new and different way.

Getting off the rails, and hacking your way through the bush. 

• Do you find yourself wanting security and stability as you go through a big life change?
• Do you want to know what comes next, what you can be sure about, in the midst of ever-present uncertainty?

I do too.

And . . . {SPOILER ALERT}

Going through a major change to get to a new and different place requires letting go of control. 

It’s likely that:

You’re not going to know how it will turn out. 
(In fact, how you approach it will affect the results you get.)

You’re not going to be guaranteed success. 
(But how you approach it will affect the outcome in a big way.)

You can’t control every single aspect of a life change. 
(And if you try to, you’re likely missing out on opportunities along the way.)

It’s hard to let go of control. Believe me, I know.  I was a woman who wanted to be completely self-reliant and self-sufficient.  The stuff of good ‘ole American dreams.  I wanted to be able to do it all.  (Okay, I still want to be able to do a lot, but I realize now that I can’t do it all on my own.  In fact, that idea of needing to do it all on my own sounds just dreadful now.)  I still struggle with wanting to control. 

Yet sometimes when I feel like I’m working really hard, I notice that I’m operating with the belief that, “It’s all up to me.  I have to make every single piece of this thing happen.”

And the belief that It’s all up to me has an impact on what I do:  I am so focused on the map ahead that I forget to take a side path and discover something new.  I forget to listen to messages from my heart.  I don’t let the magic in.

On the other hand, when I’m willing to let go of control I can still work hard and trust that good things will come of my hard work.  I just don’t have to be 100% responsible for making them happen. 

I can acknowledge that my 100% input may yield 50% result on one day, and 800% result on another day.  I acknowledge that some days I may be able to only put in 40%, and that’s okay.  It doesn’t mean that I’m a failure.   

Letting go of controlling every aspect of a thing can be the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done . . . and there is a wonderful warm bath of trust waiting for you. 

Letting go of control allows for more movement.  It allows for miracles to happen.  It allows for a natural unfolding.  It allows for more ease and less tightness. 

Because when you let go of control, you are aligned with a greater truth: 
You can’t control everything.  Plain and simple. 

You can show up and create something important and meaningful, but you don’t have to have every single step of that process planned out to a T.  Because that’s not how life works. 

When you give up trying to control, you allow the magic to happen. 

What are you trying to control right now?  What’s possible if you let go of that control?

Yours in wildness~~
Lisa

Perfection = Fear

Sometimes I think I’m a perfectionist.  At least that’s what a part of me says when I don’t want to take a risk.  If you’re going to do this, you better do it right.  (Hello, pressure!)  What if I don’t do it right?  What if this doesn’t work out?

As human beings we subject ourselves to two kinds of perfection: self-imposed and externally imposed.  Externally imposed perfection is easier to deal with because the standard is usually clear.  You (or someone else) can tell when you’ve met it, usually in terms of quality, time, or dollars.

There’s another breed of perfection, a trickier, stealthier kind.  Self-imposed perfection is borne from our internal expectations, ideas, anything that’s been planted in our brains during our lives.  The standards are vague, even concocted.  What you should do.  What the right thing is.  The white-picket-fence-Stepford-kinda-way.  (Yikes!) 

Self-imposed perfection rears its head when there is something you really want to do.  A dream.  A big idea that keeps you up at night.  The career change you’d love to make but other people wouldn’t understand.

Ultimately, perfectionism arises because of fear.  It’s not the standard you hold yourself to that is relevant.  It’s actually about the underlying thing that you’re doing – the task, the action, the project you want to do but haven’t started.  That thing is what matters to you. 

Without external motivation or built-in repercussions, it’s up to you.  You’re scared.  You’ll fail.  You’ll look stupid.  People will judge you.  You’re afraid you’re not good enough.  It has to be  amazing.  You won’t make money from it.  You’ll end up on the street.  The list is endless.

            Uncertain outcome + “It matters” + “It’s up to me” = Fear à Perfectionism